Submitted by acmfox on Mon, 01/03/2011 - 7:45pm

This is a chapter from Wasted Journeys, my nano novel. The scene is a first draft, so it needs lots of, erm, comments.

Albert and Larry are attack cruisers, trying to gain control of the freight cluster controlled by our heroes. I've attached an image of a space station with a couple of tiny clusters that I did as a concept drawing. In reality, there are thousands of containers in the cluster and four engine pods to get it from point A to point B. The main character is the pilot, Brunhilde Thorensen, aka Sam. The main supporting character is Laq, who is the security chief.


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Albert chose not to wait for Barry to close the gap. As the cruiser advanced its position, Sam warned the crew.

“Get ready.”

They were positioned toward the front of the drifting cluster. In order to get the best shot, Albert had to come around to the leading edge. As they approached, the movers pushed single containers away from the cluster and into the path of the cruiser. The enemy moved off, avoiding the first wave of containers easily. The second wave was more of a problem for them since to get close enough to the cluster to find the pod, they had to navigate through a mine field of drifting containers. The first three they were able to avoid. The next they destroyed, but not utterly, so that shrapnel ricocheted and sent other containers moving in unpredictable directions. Then one container clipped the cruiser. Having at least double the size and mass, the container won. They watched thirty escape pods depart the cruiser. Some headed away from the cluster. Others went to seek targets within it. The crew of Albert could do one of two things: they could wait for Barry to pick them up or they could try to get control of the pod. Laq ordered his squad to standby. The movers helped all non-essential personnel to their assigned hiding places in prepared containers.

No one wanted to kill Albert’s crew, nor did they want to die themselves. The hope was to be able to trap their assailants and stow them safely in one of the containers. Sam watched Laq’s troops in their eevees with grapplers and other devices wrestle with the escape pods. It took four of them to overwhelm and control one enemy pod, so while four were subdued, eight more searched for and spotted the pod. Ten of Laqs troops were stationed about the pod to prevent boarding. Sam watched four go down as evacuees maneuvered their craft to crush them between the craft and the hull of the pod.

Her techs were not fighters, but they, with several of Jin’s workers were stationed at the airlocks. If they got close enough, the techs could stun an adversary with a jolt of electricity from their implanted welders. Jin’s workers had makeshift stunners and clubs fabricated from spare conduit. Sam hoped that these makeshift militia would not be tested too much.

They all expected the fight, should there be one, to be for control of the flight deck. Even though she had not been able to train for days, Sam thanked the foresight of Laq to build her strength and allow her to train earlier in the voyage. Few pilots had her size, fewer her combat skill, even if she was not up to goon standards. She watched and made ready. She wondered if when she was recruited she had really taken out half a dozen goons and if she could still do it. It would be very different fighting on the flight deck with negligible gravity.

Laq guarded the access to the flight deck. He’d given Sam his stunner, but kept the more lethal weapons for himself. She remembered the kick she’d delivered that had taken him out and hoped he would not be caught off guard that way again. She watched the first three of the enemy access the airlock and make short work of the two ill prepared defenders. She wanted to disengage the harness. Two against three was better than one against three. Laq ordered her to stay put.

It was an ugly fight. Laq used his position to advantage to disable the first aggressor. The second was dispatched when he took too long to take aim at a target that refused to stay still. The third was more difficult to best as they traded weapons fire until the lift unit was nearly destroyed. Laq was hit in the leg, his adversary in the head. It was all over until the next two arrived.

Brunhilde had no intention of bringing her warrior to valhalla as a corpse. She cleared the access tunnel of the lift and shot through it. She had the first soldier stunned before emerging from the tunnel and charged the second. Having expected only one defender who was actively shooting, the second was caught unaware. Before thinking about the fact that he was armed, she tackled him and broke his eevee, breaking his neck at the same time. Only as she pushed the corpse away from her did she consider that eevees weren’t supposed to be able to break that easily.

“Get back on the flight deck,” Laq ordered. His voice was raspy, his face ashen.

She pulled her comrade into the tunnel, then sealed them in with the wreckage of the lift. By the time he reached the flight deck, she was back in the harness. Laq’s squad had subdued the remaining forces. Somehow they had won.

It was a hard won victory. Three of Jin’s people were dead, another four were badly wounded. The goons had lost five of their own and another three would not fight another battle soon. Her techs were okay with only minor injuries so far.

“How long before Barry is in range?”

“Three hours.”

They shared the last juice packet. His color came back quickly. She tried not to remember how frightened she had been for his safety. She shifted her concentration to where the pod was positioned and making the next set of placements for the movers ready. It was hard to think.

There was a lot to ready before Barry arrived. Since he was stuck here for the while, Sam kept three quarters of the control sphere for herself and made the remainder available to the security chief. They attributed their success with Albert to luck. They did not expect to be as lucky with Barry. On the other hand, they felt that the skirmish had taught them some valuable lessons about their enemy and perhaps a weakness to exploit.

For a nono novel this reads pretty good. There is a lot of telling to start with but that should be easy to fix. Your intro said Larry, I think it should be Barry. The space battle was a bit brief but that may be the best way to handle it. I also question that the freight containers are larger than the cruiser. I think of the relative sizes of cargo containers on ships vs. other ships. Cruisers are big.  Was Albert destroyed? Clipped doesn't sound too bad. Were the escape pods abandoning the ship and trying to take the station?

I liked the interrnal battle better. Though I'm not sure who wants to kill of just disable who. Some of the sentences are rough, like: Brunhilde had no intention of bringing her warrior to valhalla as a corpse.

Polish the novel up a bit and start sending it around.

dogsbody

Mon, 01/10/2011 - 8:54pm

I'm bewildered, but perhaps that's because I haven't been acclaimated by what went before. I want to visualize the battle, but there are a lot of items/people/ships with people's names.

   - First, I'd change the ships' names. With all the new concepts, I don't want anyone confused about the ships' identities. Perhaps,they could be "The Grand Duke Barrant du Chimchere", or perhaps "Cruiser A 467".

   - Next, I'd ask people how many readings they had to do, to get it more or less under control. For me, certainly, a minimum of three. When I read about the 4 engine pods moving things, I was thinking, of course, sheepdogs? Would tug boat be a better idea?

but then, I read 'movers', so I didn't know what pods were.

   - Why did she kick Laq to take him out; was that in training? or was he an enemy and ally both?

   - Laq was "the" warrior (her warrior)? I thought Brunhilde was.

 This whole thing reminds me of my problem, where I write this whole detailed business, that doesn't really advance anything, and decide to trash it all, ending off with "controlling the freight containers was a little like herding sheep, and shooting pool. It was not like fighting attack cruisers. Techs and the two man command staff were left to fight them. It was a massively unequal battle, except that there were thousands of (whatever the vessel it is) to carrom into the cruisers. One in ten was evacuated and made into an unguided missile. yayaya

Please just give me something simpler.

Mary