Gnomes in Space-Time

by Dave Krenitsky

Prologue

Gnomes are a shy reclusive people from the 'verse BX9837 who try to keep to themselves but because they are universal translators (a capability of unknown origin not based on any known magic or technology) they are often sought after. Our story-- told in I hope the style and profitability of Doug Adams or Terry Pratchett-- starts in the lair of an evil wizard who is trying to force three gnome brothers into his band of minions. The brothers resist and in their attempt to escape they activate an inter-universe transport gem that takes them to a strange new world (earth). They are left without resources except the gem (which was depleted by their transport to earth) and a bag of gems they stole from the wizard as they try to find their way home. Our story begins as they confront the wizard and interrupt his investigations of the gem.

In The Wizard's Lair

Abelson ducked under the table, not a major difficulty since he was only four feet tall, as the glowing orb of obedience flew past his head. Bartholomew grabbed a gem of some kind and flung it at the wizard. It hit him in the chest causing him to stagger back and drop the large glowing object he had been pouring over when the gnomes charged into his lair. Wisps of glowing smoke were rising from the object and Charlemagne picked it up and dropped it into the bag of gems he had been thieving as his brothers occupied the wizard.

"Drop that," the wizard yelled, "It's charged."

"So you don't want us taking your stuff but you can kidnap us for your purposes as you wish." He pulled it from the bag and looked at it. His brothers crowded around. As they inspected it a shimmering disc appeared behind them. The wizard grabbed a staff and swung it at the gnomes. They jumped back and passed through the shimmering portal.

"No," cried the wizard. He jabbed with the staff but the portal closed and half the staff fell to the ground in front of the brothers.

Lost in Space-Time

"Well, look at that." He held up the end of the staff. At the end was a large gem. "I bet we can sell that for a tidy sum back home." Bart said.

"Yeah, but where's home?" Abe asked. Looking around they could see a dusty plain not at all like the forests of their home and definitely not the wizards lair where they had just been.

The three brothers looked around. There were a few cacti and boulders but little else was visible.

"Is that smoke?" Charlie asked. In the distance a cloud moved along the horizon.

"Dust I think," Abe replied. "Animals perhaps. Enough to be a herd." They looked at each other and with no other direction to chose they started toward the dust cloud. It stopped moving and slowly settled.

As they walked they talked and argued.

"We need to find a wizard." Abe said. "The portal xtal is almost out of power. It can open a portal at most a hands width in size but it closes quickly. No way one of us much less all three can make it back."

"A wizard. That's how we got to wherever it is we are," Bart said.

"Exactly, and we'll need one to get us back home," Abe said.

The discussion continued but they all finally agreed that a wizard was needed. The sun was dipping below the mountains when they reached the building and as the light dimmed a sign lit up with one word – Beer. The brothers smiled and walked past the row of cycles cooling in darkening night.

Inside a young woman danced on a stage and appeared to be removing her clothing. Three large men with beards to rival that of any gnome were bent over a table staring at some colored balls. They stood as the gnomes entered. "Hey look, midgets. How do you guys feel about some bowling tonight," one biker laughed.

"They're customers," Connie said, "If they tip better than you they get served first." She pointed to an empty table and the brothers sat down. "Beers?" she asked.

Those few words were enough to trigger the translating magic in the gnomes.

"Yes please, but we don't have any local cash." He pulled a bag from his tunic and poured out a few gems. "Would any of these do?"

Connie's eyes widened. "Are they real?"

"Of course," Abe replied.

She picked out a small ruby. "This will cover you all night. Better put those away." As she turned the three bikers were behind her. "No troub-"

The lead biker pushed past her and leaned on the table. "There's a tax you see. Come into our bar without permission and you have to pay."

"I don't think this is your bar," Abe said.

"It is if I say it is."

Connie had backed up to the bar and the bartender had pulled a shotgun from under it. "Outside," was all he said.

Abe and the bikers nodded and started toward the door.

The fight went something like this. A gnome would face off with a biker. The biker would swing at the gnome and the gnome would catch the fist and squeeze. The biker would scream and kick at the gnome. The gnome would catch the foot and using the hand and foot swing the biker into a wall or boulder. If the biker rose the nearest gnome could punch him in the face. That ended that particular biker's participation in the fight. In sort order the three bikers lay unconscious on the ground.

As they re-entered the bar the mouths of the waitress and bar tender fell open. Bart looked at their table and back to the couple. "There a problem with our payment?"

The bartender filled three mugs and only at the last did he remember to close his mouth. Connie brought them over to the table.

"Ma'am," Abe started.

"That's Miss"

"Miss, we're in need of a wizard." He pulled out the portal xtal. He held it up and passed his hand over it. A small image appeared over it showing a green field with trees in the distance.

"Oh, cool. Is that one of the new iPhone holos?" Connie asked as the image disappeared.

"What's an iphone?" Charlie asked.

"It's great. I mean it started as a phone but the new ones take pictures, tell you where you are and how to get where you're going. You can play games on it, check the weather..."

"Ah, all that. We have separate xtals for each of those functions. But it doesn't matter. We need a wizard who can recharge this gem."

"I've got a friend. Nice guy, kind of a nerd. He jailbroke my phone and changes batteries in them all the time." In the distance the roar of a dozen bikes or more became audible. "We better go," Connie said. "Dre, I'm taking off. Back in an hour or so."

Connie hurried them out the back door and into her pickup.

In Another Lair

The Wiz looked at the gem then at the three gnomes. "This isn't an iphone. It's, it's, I don't know what it is."

"It's a gem of transport or a portal stone if you like. When you take it through a portal of its own making it drains the power. We simply need it recharged," Abe said.

"Recharge how. It doesn't have a port or," he put it on a charging pad. "It doesn't use a wireless tech."

Abe looked at Charlie. "You know this better than me."

"You have to transfer the magic from a source, like a unicorn's horn or a Roc's egg. Dragon fire works but that's a bit dangerous."

"That's dangerous."

"You have a dragon? We can pay." Charlie pulled out a bag of gems and opened it. Light lit up the room. "Wrong bag," he pulled out the bag that they had used to pay for the beers and dumped it on the table.

Wiz and Connie stared at the gems. Finally Wiz spoke, "That's a lot. What was in the other bag."

"Charged gems. You know. Tele-talkers, ah phones. Memory, picture takers. Locaters."

"Can you use them to charge the portal gem?"

"Sure but you need a very rare metal. Like gold but turns green in the rain."

"Sounds like copper." Wiz said.

"Copper, right, very rare."

Wiz pulled open a drawer. "Do you want wires? I've got a sheet around here somewhere."

The gnomes mouths fell open. "Wires will be fine. " Charlie said. "We need to link the xtals together with the copper wires and then activate the portal gem. It will draw the essence from the others."

Charlie and the Wiz laid out the xtals on a table. "We'll connect the wires and let the charges equalize for a bit. Then I'll activate the portal and Abe and Bart will step through. Then I'll grab the portal gem and jump through. The portal will close as soon as I, the gem actually, goes through."

"What about the other gems.?"

"They'll be drained, useless. Keep them as a memento if you wish."

Wiz and Connie looked at the line of rubies, sapphires and emeralds on the table. "Ah, thanks," Wiz said. "Ah, take the wires if you want."

Charlies eyes widened.

Going Home

Connie hugged the three gnomes in turn then backed away as Abel pulled out the Portal Gem.

"Before we go let's take a memory of this," Charlie said. "I kept one memory gem to use. You may have to hold the stone. My arms aren't long enough to get all of us in the memory."

"No problem," Connie said and pulled out her cell phone and selfie stick. "I take a picture of us all together and then you can use the stick." She and Wiz knelt behind them and she extended the selfie stick and snapped the picture. "See it's easy. I'm not sure if it will operate your gem." She disconnected her phone from the stick.

Charlie took the stick with amazement in his eyes. "What a marvelous device. It'll work. I'll just set a delay and the gem and it will record the event." He wedged the gem into the stick and held it away from them. In a moment he had a recording of the group. He pulled his gem from the stick but kept looking at it.

"Keep it," Connie said. "I'm due for a new phone and I'll have to get a new one anyway."

"Thanks," Charlie said holding the stick as if it were copper. He pulled the Portal gem from his bag and whispered a few chants over it. The gem started to glow. Connie and Wiz stepped back. The portal formed in front of them and Barth and Charlie stepped through. Connie and Wiz could see the green fields and trees of the other world.

"It's been quite an adventure," Charlie said. "It's a shame to lose such good friends but we must return." He stepped through and as the gem passed the portal it closed.

Connie brushed a tear from her cheek. "Do you think they'll ever come back?"

"Yeah," Wiz said, "If only to make us pay for introducing selfie sticks to their world."

Epilogue

And they lived happily ever after. Happy ending make for boring stories, at least how I tell them so I'll make it brief.

The gnomes go home and using the copper wires as seed money get rich from the selfie stick idea. In a strange turn they hire the evil wizard to create SmartXtal an all in one xtal that replaces having multiple crystals that only do one ting.

As for Wiz and Connie well they are part of this world so you know what they've been up to.